so earlier today anna and i were talking about xanga and stuff and so since i was sorta bored a while ago, i decided that i'd go read old entries of mine to reflect upon what an emo little child i am.  But anyway, as much as i wanted to hit my previous self for half the things i said (publicly, god!) i was tempted to write again. Especially since noone reads xanga anymore.  What is it about this fucking weblog that makes all my grammar and vocabulary go down the drain? i really don't write this terribly under usual circumstances. 

so now onto the retarded reflective portion. nice, eh? i can't even really write this without inwardly snickering at myself and at how typical teenager i sound.  But i have changed, really. I wish that there was a way people could just see how i have changed and matured in a good way because truthfully, i'm proud of it.  It's also the sort of change, though, that isn't really visible to others.  I've been making some harder choices recently about things there are high chances i'll come to regret. However, for the first time in a really long time i'm completely behind my choices.  I'm making these decisions because theyre right for me and even though previously i was having so much difficulty dealing with the subtle way things had changed because of them, i'm finding its not that hard.  I guess sometimes we just cling to things that are only remainders of what used to be real because they are familiar and they give us a false sort of hope.  So, i mean, it feels terrible to stop, but after you're free its a very nice feeling.  I don't want to speak prematurely because I'm not yet sure how anything is going to work out, but i'm pretty happy regardless. 

so what else has been going on in my life?
nothing special, thats what.

today and yesterday i chilled.  i've been playing a fuckload of videogames recently.  i need a wii soooo so bad.  i think i might have broken the addiction to shopping- for real.  i bought more eyeliner today.  i found my oldoldold karate shirt when i was looking for my gi (is that how it's spelled?) and plan on wearing it often enough.  i'm going back to karate soon.  i don't dance anymore.  i promote teen nights for cave.  i saw the yummiest boy at the meeting today (possibly in posession of a tongue ring, oh my!).  i trimmed my bangs yesterday.  i'm itching for change- not that that's new, i can never stay put for too long.  i can't wait to get a sexy as thinkpad laptop for christmas (yeah, i know my present, lame but necessary).  i may or may not have a large sweet sixteen.  this may or may not be a problem since there are a handful of people who i don't know where we stand, as in we're friends i guess, but its so complicated that we're not even friends by the people who talk to each other rules.  i have coach sneakers LOL, feel free to laugh.  ryan jacobchick (THAT ASSHOLE I HOPE HE READS THIS <3) is in nyc and i cannot see him because he's with his family and has school tomorrow.  i went to the meeting tonight in just my black shirt with my white shirt over it and a scarf (and of course jeans and moonboots) and the cold was amazing.  I might get sick.  There's noone to get with so it doesn't matter (god, how terrible did THAT sound?).  I'm debating whether or not to wear my white corset to the upcoming school dance.  should i wear it to the next teen night?

you and i don't fundamentally understand each others' needs even though we like to think we do.

i am currently shivering and need a blanket.

overall, this wasn't too bad an entry.

and tomorrow is chilltime with the girls again. a bit of a departure from my usual vacation hermitude. 

i was reading something in sicilian and i understood about half of it.  and like within the first few words i figured out that it was "tatal nostru" but i dont know it by heart so it wasnt that much help =P. 

but yeah, i somehow got to reading about the romanian language's history and how close it is to latin after i had been looking to try to figure out why everyone spells it "wallachia" when i've been pronouncing it valahia for, like, ever. 

was sicker today.  will have to drag my ass to school tomorrow, though possibly the doctor before school if i dont get better.  God, doctor twice in 3 days. that reminds me of when i was littler and there was about a month where i was constantly in and out of doctors offices.  but mreeeeggghhh, s'allright

at 6:30 i have to get back to studying my little ass off. 
7 minutes left

procrastinating again... it happens to be a great skill of mine. 

okay, leah will totally appreciate this because its me and my strange dreams LOL.  heheheheh like the terrorists. though i am NOT going into detail on that one! but anyway, first we were somewhere and my mom had put on jazz music (like in real life while i was sleeping) and i kept hearing it in my dream and i thought an old woman was singing the trumpet part or whatever and i kept yelling at her.  and then we went to this room and my mom was playing jazz piano. LIKE WTF? ROFL.  and then this is the strangest thing, its like dream forshadowing, because me and a bunch of people were going to someone's house who is linked to jazz in my mind for obvious reasons.  and then we went to this room and there was a microwave with a kitten in it and i thought my mom was gonna press the start button, but she let the kitten out and it went through the door and joined two other kittens who looked exactly like it.  and everyone went to a basement but i realized that we couldnt get in the persons house  cuz it was a schoolday and everyone was at school and we were going downwards instead of up, where the apartment is, and then the stupid jazz woke me up.  but really, i have some wack dreams sometimes, theyre pretty awesome.  except when people die.  cuz i dont like those. 

ohmygod and do you know that i obviously subconsciously know things before i actually know.  like without any particular reason i felt this way and i told anna and was like "complain complain sad sad i'll always be this and noone will ever this and [ ] is so much better than me blah blah".  and then like an hour later someone says something really really mean and its like wow, i just had the thought process that would normally be used to respond to something like this a whole hour ago.  sweeeeeeett.

'kay bubblegummy!
i am off! i overprocrastinated!